Mark W. Lewis, Esq.
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Mark W. Lewis, Esq. |
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the Priest, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?"
"I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer,
"People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
When I was in Nevada I was asked if I knew how they got lawyers out of trees in this State."
When I asked, "How?" I was told, "You cut the rope".
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", the client again asked. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"Oh I understand you perfectly," said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant,
"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked,
"How do you start a flood?"
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped,
"Yes, but we can't prove it yet!"
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell. When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed,
"Who do you think has all of the judges!"
